Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
