Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
