I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Randomize
