i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
The feeling are messing with the penis
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
