am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
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Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
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well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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