You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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