My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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