did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
