Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
