something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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