happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
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