Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Drunk is a universal language darling
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