he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
