We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
