so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
