I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
