Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
