I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
