he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
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My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
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My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize