why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
