I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
