My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
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I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
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Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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