i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
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im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
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She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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