Well apparently he's into motor boating.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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