i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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