peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
