I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
