im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
