Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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