3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
