You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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