my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
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