well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
