this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
