I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
