Just took my morning after pill in the library
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
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