Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
