Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
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