Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
