Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Randomize
