Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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