i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
