i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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