Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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