I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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