They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
