you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
