It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
