so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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