Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Think of all the island guys I could have. Ah well.
You can not bait me into a "how Stella got her groove back" call and response.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
