I'm so fucking centered right now
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
