I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
