I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
