Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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