We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
