last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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