I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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